The Candy Incident

Oh, Cookies and Candy Cookbook, you have led me down a hard and winding path. As everyone who knows me is aware of, I am one cheap (although I prefer the term frugal) S.O.B. Especially this year, when I'm managing to save a whole 35 cents (I just stared at the keyboard for at least 2 or 3 minutes trying to find the cents key. You know, the little c with a line through it? I can't find it. I'm sure it's on here, but I'm pretty sure my computer didn't come with one) a paycheck. So this Christmas people WILL be getting some homemade presents. I've plumbed the depths of the internet for ideas, and I suck at all of them. Finally i decided that if I combined some crappy ideas into a "gift basket/box" format they wouldn't look so suck. In this vein I decided that I would try to make some candy for my dear family and friends, who luckily number less than ten. So I looked all over the internet for a candy that I thought my sweet, sweet loved ones would enjoy. Finally I found it. English Almond Toffee. Where on the great and vast internet did you find this recipe you ask. I didn't find it on the internet. I found it in a sweet (ha ha, punny) cookbook that I had collected from a church basement book sale last summer (or was it fall? I'm not sure and it doesn't really matter or have any relevance whatsoever). This book had a (seemingly) easy recipe to follow that sounded absolutely delicious. So this evening Em's and I went to our friendly neighborhood grocer and picked up the required items. We went home and began to prepare, greasing pans and smashing nuts. I carefully followed every direction the recipe gave, and all went fine until.....SMOKE!!! HUge billowing clouds of stinking sulfurous smoke, as if the mouth of Hell had opened in out kitchen. Thick strings of carmalized suger bubbled and burped all over everything. As I wept in the fetal position on the floor, Em's said, "Oh, don't worry. Maybe it will taste fine." SO we finished the recipe and let it cool. As we gently cracked the candy and prepared ourselves to try the sample pieces, our eyes locked and we silently knew what the other person was thinking. That thought was, "Did you just fart, or is that the candy?" I do not believe I have ever had anything so foul in my whole life. Neither of us could stop laughing at the others disgusted faces. As Em's and I staggered around the kitchen, gagging and crying for our mothers, water, and the sweet blessing of death from God, I seriously debated just giving it to my family anyway. How amazing would that be if I got to watch them curl up and retch on a peaceful Christmas day. I'd say, "There's some consumerism there for ya! Ha! Consume that!" And of course THOSE thoughts led me to thinking that I should give it to my customers at the mall. Needless to say though the candy was thrown away. To illustrate the drama Emily and I re-enacted the event and took photos.

More interesting news:

-Today was assisted shopping day at the mall, which is always delightful. I did not however clog any toilets this year.
-Cigs you roll yourself taste horrid, but are infinitely more satisfying.
-I might get to have a new job come January!
-Emily is getting a full time job, which oddly means I will get to see more of her. I have mixed feelings about this.
-I'm trying to sell all my crap on ebay so I can get the XO-1.
-I do NOT want to do anything else for school, even though I have almost a whole week of exams. AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!
-Ian writes some really funny blogs and peeps that check mine out should read his.
-Deep Roots Market is cool.
-I have WAY too much stuff.